Naturally,

Grateful, but desiderate

I’m tired of mindless thinking, knowing something’s wrong, but not being capable of adequately, accurately expressing them. I want a lot of things, things I know I don’t deserve, things I’m used to not getting. I don’t know why I waste my time wanting things I shouldn’t have. I guess it’s the fact that all my life, I’ve only wanted the things other people wanted for me, because I believed whole-heartedly I didn’t deserve anything more. Now, I’m being selfish. I was raised to always be obedient, and although pleasing my parents brings me the uttermost satisfaction, I can’t help but feel that something else is missing. I want to feel whole, and be satisfied with what I have. I feel like I need to be, because if I’m not, I’m being selfish. But honestly, if you really think about it, if I didn’t want something more, I wouldn’t be human. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of wanting more. I don’t want to want something more. But then again, how often do I actually get what I want? I’m grateful for what I have, but desiderate for more.

I just want to, for once, get what I want, and not have it taken away from me.

I haven’t vented in a while, but I felt like everything was coming together for me. But I realized that at the wrong time. I know that I shouldn’t be complaining because one part of me is suffering, but my whole being is crumbling along with it. I know I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I know that. But when I find someone who makes me believe they have the potential to make everything okay, he does something to make me totally throw away the ideology of love as a whole. I’m tired of searching and being hurt and abused. I’m tired of denying that I need someone to make me happy. I’m tired of trying to put up a strong front just so people wont get on my case. I can’t be happy forever, even though I seem to always be in a good mood. I’m failing, I’m crumbling, and I don’t know what to do.

My past retreat changed me, it really did. But I don’t know if it’s for the better or not. I’m constantly at a struggle with myself and what I need to do and what I want to do, what’s morally right, and what feels good at the time, and I’m honestly so tired. I know retreat is supposed to give you the opposite feeling, making people feel light and fearless and happy. But after this retreat, I’ve been afraid of what choices I make, what kind of thoughts I have. I feel like I need to start reconstructing myself.

I was always trying to change myself, and I finally realized I don’t need to. But when I realized that, I lost sight of who I was to begin with, and I don’t know how to get back.

Mindless ranting

I honestly have so much to say, but I can’t string the right words together for it to make sense like it does in my head. It’s hard for me. It’s hard for me to wait in curiosity because of fear of the truth. I am just at a loss for words when it comes to you. Like, when you talk to me, I never know how to respond because I want to come up with the cutest most wittiest response, then I end up with no response at all. It’s hard for me to make the first move. But I’ll admit, of you took the time to maybe talk to me first, I wouldn’t hesitate in showing you how I feel. I feel crazy. I’m uneasy every time your around, or even if your name comes up! I just want my chance. I need my chance. I want to show you that I may not be what you want in a girl, but I can be what you need.

I just fucking want to be the one who makes you happy.

And it just gets me so angry that I still don’t have the courage to tell you everything.

I’m constantly at a struggle in finding out what makes me happy and what my true strengths are, and I feel like I won’t ever find out until you just let me be. If you see me with empty eyes with no smile on my face, that’s when I show a trace of weakness to remind myself I can’t be strong forever because for some reason, I keep forgetting that. I’ve had my head up looking forward to better things to come, and nothing has happened, so just let me rest my head, because it tiring holding it up through everything because everyone expects me to, and let me be for one moment, so I can remind myself I don’t always have to be happy.

Things are changing. I feel it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I just wish, just once, things would turn out well for me.

I’m drained.

I feel like I keep pretending. It’s one of those feelings that occur when you want something so bad, but you’re just sitting there, frozen, and not taking an action how to get it. That’s me. I’m always so unsure of myself now. I’m afraid of how he’d see me. He isn’t my life. I want to get that clear. He’s been a part of it for a while now. I know that he’s what I want. I’ve known for a really long time. I honestly have no clue as to why I’m so afraid of just talking to him. I want to, but I don’t know what’s stopping me, but it overpowers me. I’m afraid. I really am. Maybe it’s the possibility knowing that he’d get to know me, and just not feel the same. Or maybe he won’t even take the time to get to know me and be close to me. I don’t know, but all these scenarios are enough to completely stop me. But I honestly think maybe that’s why I feel so diffferent. I wasn’t always like this before. I was brave and strong and didn’t care if boys liked me back or not; I was open about it. But now, I’m afraid. I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that I really like this one this time. Or maybe it’s because I’ve changed and I can’t be, no matter how hard I try, the girl I used to be. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and telling myself I’m gonna talk to him when I never do. I’m tired of making up excuses for myself, and being angry at myself for not being brave or strong enough, not being the person everyone thinks I am. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I just need something good to happen to me, and I feel like he’s it. I’m just so tired of being afraid.